A Winter Story

As I sit huddled under a blanket and reading a book, I look out the window at the piles of snow that have collected around the house and up pops a memory from somewhere deep within. When I was in my teens, I had an evening job at the mall…B.Dalton Books, I think, or the calendar kiosk they set up at Christmas–I cannot remember which. At that time, I lived with my parents in the country–rolling hills and small-laned gravel roads that were typically deserted on cold, winter nights. One night as I was driving home from work, snow began to fall. As a new driver, I was terrified of sliding off the road. I remember my heart was beating really fast and my hands gripped the steering wheel as I drove. I was probably going only 15 mph, so I don’t know what I was afraid of…if I had to guess, it was likely just pent-up anxiety from working retail at Christmas. Anyway, the snow began falling a bit heavier and just then an enormous buck walked out of the woods and stopped in the middle of the road to stare at me. I stopped the car and stared into the eyes of that deer in awe and disbelief. Of course, I had seen deer before, but this felt personal. Time stood still and suddenly the space around me became magical and mystical. I have no idea how long I sat there. The silence of that experience was so deep. I still remember that feeling.  The feeling of communion.

This is one of the blessings of winter, the time to be idle, wrapped up and cozy, allowing the mind, memory, and imagination to wander. I hope you are taking advantage of this time to BE.

Body as a Vessel

I was in an emotionally-charged spiritual group meeting last night and had the following download.

Though I am a broken vessel

I am the perfect container

for the Divine to shine forth

and provide guidance and support

to me and to all who come to me

I am full only with Thee

there is no other experience

substance or distraction

that can take Your place

I am fulfilled.

Have you thought of your body as a vessel? This language is familiar to me as I grew up in a Catholic school/church system, but as I read back over what I had written, I was surprised. It didn’t come from me. I “know” that the body is the vessel for the soul…a container, but last night was the first time I had thought of (and felt) the body as a container for the Divine. It was a new perspective. It doesn’t matter what condition the container is in…it can be somewhat damaged physically, emotionally, or spiritually, but it is always the perfect container for the Divine to act through.

I think when we feel down, we collapse inwardly. It is harder to find the Divine within during those times. We tend to see the Divine as outside ourselves and pray to It/Him/Her for relief and assistance. But when we are happy, or in a state of equilibrium, it can be easier to serve and connect with each other, and from that place, we feel the Divine as part of ourselves.

We do have a responsibility to take care of this container. That is part of the job of life. But even if we feel a bit “cracked” or “broken,” we know that we are full of Divine love and wisdom to be in service to each other. So how do you take care of this vessel? What do you do to keep it together?

For me, I do the best I can to take care of myself. However, there are times where I don’t feel like I am enough. Insecurity is a huge burden, and I think I feel the collective crisis as well. When I feel insecure, I don’t feel like I am able, or worthy, to put myself out there as a source of comfort or hope to people. The message last night was clear, though. It doesn’t matter what emotional burdens we have or what insecurities we are facing if we trust and surrender to the Divine, we become fulfilled.

 

 

 

In Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for this life…my family and friends, students and sometimes strangers that offer a smile when I’m feeling down, the studio, my yoga practice and the beautiful yoga tradition I am so privileged to belong to. Those who know me will not be surprised to hear that I am also so grateful for books! This holiday, I offer you the beautiful, inspirational words of Swami Vivekananda that I read today:

Therefore, stand up, be bold, be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your shoulders, and know that you are the creator of your own destiny. All the strength and succour you want is within yourselves. Therefore, make your own future. “Let the dead past bury its dead.” The infinite future is before you, and you must always remember that each word, thought, and deed, lays up a store for you and that as the bad thoughts and bad works are ready to spring upon you like tigers, so also there is the inspiring hope that the good thoughts and good deeds are ready with the power of a hundred thousand angels to defend you always and for ever. From a lecture “The Cosmos: The Microcosm” delivered in New York on January 26, 1896.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

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You Are a Blessing

I do not know who to credit this image but it is fabulous!

It was my birthday recently but I am determined to celebrate every day of this month-not by boozing-up or eating cake every day but by taking care of myself and celebrating my life.

In the past, I’ve had little enthusiasm for my birthday. But, someone gave me some great advice last year that shook me–it changed my way of thinking and being.

She asked me “What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?” I gave my usual response…oh nothing really I don’t like to celebrate it very much.” (The fact was for some reason I always felt melancholy on my birthday.) She said to me “What happened to you? When did you stop celebrating your life?” That question hit me like a blow to the heart. Did I not appreciate my life…was I just floating by? As painful as it was, I knew the answer…

My husband committed suicide on Ash Wednesday in 2003. He did not seem depressed to me…he wasn’t lying around in bed moaning about the darkness and hopelessness of life. He was going to work and getting things done. I was oblivious to what was going on inside him. At that time, family doctors were giving out samples of “mood managing” pills with a “let’s see how this one works” approach. I don’t think they realized the damage they were doing in the constant stops and starts. I am sure this contributed to his instability. I didn’t even know he was taking anything until after he died.

I am sure he felt out of control. He did not ask me for help. He did not confide in me the depths of this overwhelm. Sure, he complained to me about this or that but never said he was in danger of committing this act. We had fun times, went on dates, he still did so much for me. The day before he died we took the little ones to see Barney Live (creepy dinosaur!) When we got home he ran me a bath and poured me a glass of wine. He took care of me. The next day we met at the Cathedral for the noon Ash Wednesday service. I took my daughter to art class, he went home and killed himself. Who knows why people do what they do.

It is so important to me now to help people find the tools they need to nourish their mind and heart. My grief (and my guru) led me to the study of Yoga and Ayurveda. I have learned so many things about myself and what I need to reduce my own pain and suffering. I do still suffer though…obviously. I have dark moments, dark days where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Some days it is harder to find light than others. This is the stuff of life. But despite the details, despite my depression, despite my anxiety, despite my PTSD from finding my husband’s body in the garage, despite my overwhelm there is a bottom line and here it is: It is a blessing to be a human being and to be alive...I am a Blessing! The details of your life may not be ideal. You may be suffering in health, finances, creativity, depression, sobriety, relationship…any number of things. But, your heart knows the truth of this bottom line. Say it to yourself over and over. Let it inspire you to keep going. Ask your Divine for help or direction if you need to but stay with the bottom line. There is a reason you are here. You are a blessing. Believe that.