It was my birthday recently but I am determined to celebrate every day of this month-not by boozing-up or eating cake every day but by taking care of myself and celebrating my life.
In the past, I’ve had little enthusiasm for my birthday. But, someone gave me some great advice last year that shook me–it changed my way of thinking and being.
She asked me “What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?” I gave my usual response…oh nothing really I don’t like to celebrate it very much.” (The fact was for some reason I always felt melancholy on my birthday.) She said to me “What happened to you? When did you stop celebrating your life?” That question hit me like a blow to the heart. Did I not appreciate my life…was I just floating by? As painful as it was, I knew the answer…
My husband committed suicide on Ash Wednesday in 2003. He did not seem depressed to me…he wasn’t lying around in bed moaning about the darkness and hopelessness of life. He was going to work and getting things done. I was oblivious to what was going on inside him. At that time, family doctors were giving out samples of “mood managing” pills with a “let’s see how this one works” approach. I don’t think they realized the damage they were doing in the constant stops and starts. I am sure this contributed to his instability. I didn’t even know he was taking anything until after he died.
I am sure he felt out of control. He did not ask me for help. He did not confide in me the depths of this overwhelm. Sure, he complained to me about this or that but never said he was in danger of committing this act. We had fun times, went on dates, he still did so much for me. The day before he died we took the little ones to see Barney Live (creepy dinosaur!) When we got home he ran me a bath and poured me a glass of wine. He took care of me. The next day we met at the Cathedral for the noon Ash Wednesday service. I took my daughter to art class, he went home and killed himself. Who knows why people do what they do.
It is so important to me now to help people find the tools they need to nourish their mind and heart. My grief (and my guru) led me to the study of Yoga and Ayurveda. I have learned so many things about myself and what I need to reduce my own pain and suffering. I do still suffer though…obviously. I have dark moments, dark days where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Some days it is harder to find light than others. This is the stuff of life. But despite the details, despite my depression, despite my anxiety, despite my PTSD from finding my husband’s body in the garage, despite my overwhelm there is a bottom line and here it is: It is a blessing to be a human being and to be alive...I am a Blessing! The details of your life may not be ideal. You may be suffering in health, finances, creativity, depression, sobriety, relationship…any number of things. But, your heart knows the truth of this bottom line. Say it to yourself over and over. Let it inspire you to keep going. Ask your Divine for help or direction if you need to but stay with the bottom line. There is a reason you are here. You are a blessing. Believe that.